Drowning

It’s 3:30 and I’m sipping my afternoon cup right now while mulling over a conversation I had last night with one of my cousins. We were talking about chaos and life and time management and exhaustion. Yes, all of those topics. We are in very different stages of life – she is a student teacher balancing her final year, upcoming marriage and student teaching roles. Me: mom of two, freelance artist, budding blogger and wife. But as she continued talking about her days, and that “drowning” feeling, I couldn’t help but think “ohmigosh.i honestly understand”. Drowning… when you can’t keep your head above water, no matter how hard you try.  There are just so many things to do, too many hats to wear that by the end of the day -and still some left that haven’t yet been worn- that it’s a struggle to stay awake by nightfall. It’s emotionally exhausting.  I’m used to having things in order and so when they are not, I’m a mess, and it takes A LOT of effort from me to move past it. But I usually do, because I have had many years to learn to do so. But the last few months have been like a pop quiz; a test to see if I can do this more than once, twice, ten times.

See, I’m used to being on top of things, having a plan, executing projects and feeling a sense of satisfaction. These days, it’s almost to the point of just hoping to see it get done. Justin has taught me to be okay with life in its chaotic moments. It’s okay that the laundry doesn’t get done today. It’s okay if we just order dinner tonight. It’s okay if I don’t get to make that macro list of all the micro lists of mini lists that I have stashed deep down in my purse. I agree with him, and have been in a lifelong training process to deal with my obsessive compulsive disorders, but it does sound more easier to do than it is. At least when a week has gone by and the laundry is still sitting in the washing machine (now with that added odor and who knows what - ew!), when it’s the tenth day in a row that we’ve picked up from taco bell, when the lists have just morphed into a symphony of post-its all over the house.

Both my cousin and I felt the need to figure out a way to not be SO wiped at the end of each day; that maybe, just maybe, we would be able to get all the items checked off our list and meet that sense of accomplishment if we an extra shot of energy. But I think the one thing that was said is what truly sees me through each day: this is for a season, and it is not forever.  I will get to the other side and be able to look back. ::sigh:: Believe you me, that will be a wonderful day, and I will too hastily forget all of this (of course I won’t because I have this lovely blog to remind me) but hopefully I’ll learn a little more than I know now at that time...and blog about That.