Goodbye Summer...

So remember that list of summertime tasks I told you about? Well here's the update and also why I haven't been around the entire month of August:

not our actual blueprint

We are renovating our house! 

It all happened kinda fast.  We had a few quotes, and a discouraging report after another until we finally got someone in to help us out.

Thus we packed up and moved out. That was over three weeks ago.

So now here we are. We travel here and there, from one friend's home, to another. To a parent's place and back.  The month of August had us live like vagabonds but we pray daily to be back in our own home again.

But in the middle of our comparably 'homeless' situation, we have been reminded of the blessings in our life. Like friends and family that would take us in (and I mean, all four of us crazies) and provide in oh the so many, many ways - big and small.  It's been so touching.

We are so grateful.

Also, like with any renovation story I have heard (or witnessed) there are those expectations, timelines, and promises… all not happening as planned.  On top of all that, it really is quite a task to lug your home in your car from one place to another along with two toddlers who don't quite understand why we are not in our own house.  But even through all the crazy that is happening, it is hard to stay upset about timelines and unkept promises when we experience peace in the middle of it all.  Can't help but be reminded of an extraordinary God who made a promise to be with us and he has yet to break it.

Good looking out Big Guy!

We are truly grateful.  As far as the work being done: we learn to put our foot down when we need to and thank God for the provision in the meantime. Hopefully I can post an update about our return sooner than later!

had to just post a pic of my tj. he really is cute, even though he truly is a troublemaker.

Cookies and crumbs

I was talking to some friends the other day and I shared how becoming a mother of 2 {boys especially} has grown me into a mom less obsessed with first impressions and more engaged with patience and real connection.

I mean, let's be honest, most of us who are parents will admit that before having our precious little ones, we had envisioned these ridiculously unrealistic snapshots of our future with children.

They would follow all the rules. They wouldn't argue back. They would eat food that was deemed appropriate for mealtimes. They would eat all of said food.  Candy and cake would never be consumed. They would sit at the table like good little boys and girls and not run around in circles, and scream in each other's faces and climb on furniture.

They would go to sleep when it was their bedtime. They would play nice with everyone and share with their friends. They would figure out how to use the potty on their own and learn their A, B, C's and 1, 2, 3's and geometry all too quickly.

They would never spill anything on the couches, or carpets, or on every surface imaginable. They wouldn't think of walking around the house eating junk food. Toys would go back right where they belonged after being played with. They would make their own beds. The clean up song would be sung with eagerness and joy as they moved from putting toys away to perhaps tidying and wiping down the rest of the house.

They would never hurt each other. If they did {accidentally, obviously}, they would take the initiative, give themselves a time out and offer an honest apology, with perhaps a plea for forgiveness.

Okay, so maybe a few of these are more than a dream away.

Either way, I'm less and less interested in displaying my children as showpieces and more interested in allowing them to learn and grow at their own pace, & in a fun, safe and trusted environment.

I'm finding out that this involves a few learning points for me in the meantime. 

1. It means that it sometimes isn't about me and it IS about them. 

2. It means that it's okay to be okay with the "messy" {even if everyone around you looks at you and your kids with eyebrows raised} and to patiently teach my kids as they learn at their own pace.

3. It means replacing those polished doorknobs and sparkling floors sometimes with spots and stains; the granola and veggies with cookies and crumbs.

I know it's a process and I'm still learning, but I hope I'm getting it.

Just Say No!

Somehow it keeps happening: we have an unhealthily-full schedule. It feels like I keep trying to harness it, but somehow, we end up packing it all in. Week after week. As self-appointed social coordinator of our family, I'm quick to take the blame, so it has been my continuous goal to calm our schedule down more than a little …each week.

But it doesn’t seem to be working.

So I mentioned that perhaps we just need to learn to say “No.” Well, not really learn, because we actually know how to say it {at least so much more than we did 5 years ago.}. Also, it isn't like we are this delicate couple just too intimidated to say, “sorry maybe another night”. The problem is that we love everyone and everything.

We love our friends, we love people, we love having people over, we love church, we love our nights at home together, we love going into the city, we love trying new things, we love helping, we love serving, we love eating, we love talking …we love listening. We love doing everything. So it isn’t that we can’t say no to things we don’t want to do…

… it’s that we just want to do everything!

It’s difficult when both partners want to do everything. We each, on our own… and together…  enjoy so many things. But fortunately, life is a bit different now with our little guys and their needs. The fact is that our decisions really need to be intentional, not because we are trying to keep to some kind of schedule {I mean, there is definitely a basic routine to the eating and napping and playing/learning that keeps them healthy} but because our decisions now affect two lives that have been put into our responsibility. That’s not to say we want to stop everything we are doing because we have kids, but I think it does mean that we need to show discernment and wisdom and care …and an amount of intentionality… with the choices we make, the people we invest in, the new things we try.

So eventually we’ll get it. I feel a personal responsibility to make it happen. One day we’ll see it in our google calendar: a completely event free week. Ahh. I can dream, can’t I? 

Well, maybe not completely event free =) 

Elusion… Illusion …?

See, here's the problem.

I don't have a lot of time. Time eludes me. Well, actually I have the same amount of time everyone else does but for some reason my management of it has grown terr-- …no, rather, it has shrunk. I'm at a loss.

Everything in me wants to share the blame with my two sweet, lovable, busybody boys. But, if I am being honest, I just can't.  They are a part of my life and I devote most of my day to building them up. So what I have not done is learn how to manage my time or perhaps…maybe J and I - we have not developed the ability to say "no."

"No I don't have time for that…" "No, we may not be able to take that on this time…" "No, we may need to meet another day…or in about 6 months… or something…"

We keep saying yes.

BUT … to be fair, that's only because we are used to doing that. Saying Yes…and really being able to follow through with that. Now, it's all different and we are still not used to it. So we keep saying inviting more into our day, and then quickly realize we are just not equipped the same way we used to be.

BUT THEN… when I scan my emails and see a blog or two where some supermom is doing everything with their kids, AND blogging, AND meal planning AND staying trim {I just threw that in there for some dramatic flair, but you all know what I'm talking about} I just throw my hands up in the air and think, how do they do it? How do they do it all and not get burnt out?

Yes, and then my sweet, patient, and lovingly husband tries to remind me that this just isn't the case and that all moms probably feel the same way… but I refuse to believe him.  I mean, look at their blogs. They seem to have it all down pat.

:: sigh ::

Yes, then again he says if they read my blog, they may feel the same way about me. But see, if you are the wise and truly insightful audience that I imagine you to be,  you would notice that it takes me months at a time to post a word or two on this thing, thus concluding that I am not able to manage my lot.

No?

ANywHoo..

I like to rant and I haven't written in a while and I figured in an effort to be honest and authentic, even here, I would share. Here's the thing: I like to write every day, and I miss it. Truly, I do.  However, falling asleep at 8pm - sometimes without a third meal -  doesn't help. So as I go through this process of figuring out a way to manage my day better or get back into some sort of routine, trust me. I'll be around.

I am doing the best I can.

I feel that I have lots of days when I can do this. Then a corresponding amount of days when I feel I cannot.  The roller coaster of emotions messes with my psyche.  I simply cannot keep up. At the end of the day I feel that I am constantly left wondering "did I do enough?" I feel separated from reality and often encounter an out-of-body experience; watching myself go through the motions.

Looking within from time to time is always a valuable assessment, but to live in a constant state of uncertainty and timidity is a poor place to reside. At least for me, it is.

I don't like living in that.

But, here I am.

. . .

Days like these, I have to remind myself of many, many things.

One of which is that even though I may not feel like it, I am doing what I can, the best way that I know how and I'm praying for One to make up the rest.

Please Lord, make up the rest.

I'm sorry, what was I supposed to do?

Once upon a time, I had a brain. It operated just fine.

I will toot my own horn and say that my memory was impeccable, my creative could be pretty dazzling and my organizing skills were rather impressive. I mean, I truly believe that there was an entire department within my brain dedicated to arrange and put my life in order…so much so that when dates or items were thrown at me, the speed at which my mind was able to process and sort and file away {or bring up, for that matter} was remarkable.

Then I had my second son and my brain hasn’t been the same ever since. The ball has been dropped, on multiple occasions, and now I have to have a meeting with my head-organizing-department-manager about why s/he hasn’t been able to keep it all together.

:: sigh ::

I’m at a loss to figure it all out. I just can’t keep up. Things are all over the place, and the way I used to depend on my mind, I can do so no longer. It’s shameful. Not only because I cannot trust myself, but when I give my “Yes” or “No” to someone, I cannot do so with the confidence I once had. I may completely and absolutely forget, and that is just really new to me. In the past, I may have neglected things here or there, but for the last several months, it has not been that. It’s the loss of memory.

It’s hard to explain so that one could really empathize. Trust me, I have tried. All I can say is that to once have been able to do something well and now not at all, well, it’s almost near debilitating. For me, anyway.  and just saying that seems so sad. I thought I would have been able to get it together, but just when I seem to finally get a grasp, it slips away. Then I’m frustrated, and that leads to ingratitude and that leads to guilt because I have so much to be grateful for. I find it interesting that even though I know that I have all that I can ever want or need, I still fuss and find it incredibly difficult to move past these things that bother me, these funny little things that mess with my identity.

Jus always reminds me that my identity isn’t wrapped up in these things. It’s nice to be reminded. But it doesn’t always stick. I still struggle with it.

I need to get a handle on all the craziness, and coffee just isn’t cutting it this time.

fuzzy logic

some days i just want it to be easy.

i know it's not supposed to be, or rather, that it can never be just simple. the fascinating thing about life and all of us as human beings is that we are complex creatures, created to interact with each other...

as we take in the things around us it adds or even enhances that complexity


i get that. i can appreciate that.

but then life gets too messy sometimes. too crazie. you can have relationship hiccups. or just a day/week/month/year/decade where you just want to start it all over again.

and then there are those days and it feels like one of those scenes in the movies where everything is just swirling around and you can barely remember how you made it back to where you started.

i'm having one of those days.

there are too many things to do, too many things to think about, too many this, too many that....

its just too much. 

to feel overwhelmed ...it seems like such an understatement.

i know i'm going to wake up in the morning and read this and wonder what was going on to have written such a vague post. but that's what my brain is sending signals about at the moment. it's all

full of vagueness.

Too many things...

::Sigh::

It's going to be one of those days.

I have, what feels like to be, a million things to do, and only an hour and a half a day to tackle any said one of them. So here I am, I finally got the little guys down for their nap {lately, colin has NOT been taking one} and now I'm looking at this list trying to figure out which priority to prioritize above the rest. I feel that this is the same dilemma I am faced with every week, and every week this list looks the same. I may have crossed out one or two things but then something new pops in to replace it. It doesn't give you that sense of "ahh" accomplishment that I like to look foward to. Even as I write this, I recognize this sad sad story to mirror similar ramblings I may have written about in an previous post {or two}.

When will it end?

Well I wish I had more time to contemplate that, but I don't. At least not today. I just thought I'd let off some steam and write before I make any attempts at knocking down one of those projects today. Actually, maybe if I go in with the attitude that I'm going to fulfill and succeed in completing any of those pesky list dwellers, I may actually do just that.

So here I go. I'll keep you posted on which one gets finished.

{yes "shower" is on the list because if it is not, then I won't get clean}

Undone

This week has been hard. There have been an overwhelming amount of tasks on my plate and no time to tackle any of them. Besides that, I am without a desk ~ aka workstation ~ aka office ~ to even get my thoughts in order. I feel like I am all over the place and try as hard as I might, I just cannot get my head to wrap around them. At least not in a way that will enable me to function properly. I used to hear other people talk about this, but I just didn't get it. It used to seem like something you just had to try harder with or adapt to and yet, NOW its my turn, and I'm all kinds of lost. I need to get back on track. I need to figure something out soon or the little thread that has begun to unravel will have me come undone.

But see, I'm used to having a million things on my plate. I'm used to multitasking to the nth degree. It's just that I usually have a space of my own midst the chaos and craziness. That is where there is calm. There is quiet. There is order.

It's my place to go officially bonkers {to the masses} and keep organized in a world of disorder and disarray.

A place where using my sherry-branded filing system, or a post-it, or the organized set of lists from action lists to pending to complete or using the calendar in front of me is available. Now I'm writing things down on random notepads and scraps of paper and they get stuck somewhere deep inside my purse where there is no rhyme or reason, and before long that priority job that I was supposed to handle last week has resurfaced from the blackness and I can't believe I forgot all about it but it is all because this is what a simple, limited legal pad and it's scraps of paper associates can offer me.

Either I get a work station fast, or I need to have a serious day of revamping my system of order and adapt to a new way of life.

Well, except that was what I thought was doing. But apparently it's just not working.

Its not always going to be a good day.

Soo too many things...

So, yes I know I haven't blogged in a week, and really it was starting to become a bit sporadic as of recent anyway.  I mean, it's just been one of those weeks. There were too many things going on and so I really just couldn't dedicate any time to blogging or really anything I wanted to do for myself in general.

I'm too lazy to dedicate a post to each happening, so instead, I'm just going to pull a brain-barf right here, and list all of the fun things we were up to this weekend, right here, right now...

1. Last week, one of our girls from church had a bridal shower and I took on the order for cupcakes with my cousin, so we got together on friday to bake. It was a fun day, especially since I don't consider myself a baker {it's more of a science than an art, and I'm definitely an artist: much more into improv than exact measurements} and we had Jus' cousins wife come over with her 2 little ones, and my 2 boys and cupcakes and dough and flour and baby food and toys and an incident involving some flames in the toaster oven {we bought a new one since then}...yes, this was all in one day. Nevertheless, it was fun. We laughed, we cried, we put out a fire...

2. This week, we prepped the house because we hosted a different bridal shower for my cousin on Saturday {yes, another bridal shower...trust me...more's a coming. There are so many people we know getting married this year...} and needed to get the house in order before saturday for those who needed to stay over {including tackling some projects along the way, i.e.: rearranging our pictures on the wall and putting up a photo collage, which I may discuss in a separate post} ...taking me to point #3...

2. The maid of honor and some of the bridesmaids and friends stayed at our house. Since then, some have left, but it was a packed house starting from thursday and will remain occupied until wednesday of this week.  We love having people over and staying with us. I figure, we have a house with this many rooms, we might as well use it. In the meantime, Colin is loving the opportunity to sleep on the floor in our room. He only asked to get into our bed once =) I think he likes his space just as much as Jus and I do.

3. After we cleaned up and everyone left from the shower, the four of us went over to Jus' cousin's house with the kids {and some of the extra food from the shower} for our friends' birthdays and then we watched super 8, which someone told me was scary. But it wasn't. At all. But the night was fun. I love when we can just go to each other's place at night, put the kids down and just chill. #goodtimes.

4. Sunday was Easter Sunday at church. Lots of energy goes into that, and especially since it was Easter, we pushed it to the max. It was a GREAT morning though. I so truly love everyone at Lighthouse!! (www.lighthouselongisland.org) From worship to meeting people to the teaching to just everything...it was so nice. So it left us much more refreshed than spent.

5.Yesterday night, we held Easter Dinner at our house for the international students from our church who were at campus during their break. We were going to have a traditional dinner with ham and lamb and the works, but then one of the girls excitedly approached us, wondering if we were going to be having indian food. I wasn't thinking about it but, hey why not? Last time we hosted easter dinner, we made it an international easter dinner night and that was just so fun. So, why not something like that again? So we ordered in, {I made some veggies} and we both felt it was such a great decision and such a great night. I love the ethnic diversity that our church consists of and just getting to know more about each person and finding out more about their homes and their families and their own cultures; it's just been a very blessed and encouraging experience. I love that it's a small picture of what heaven's going to look like. Anyway, it was so encouraging and so fun to deepen each and every relationship. Thanks for coming out guys!!!

We put out over 7 full garbage bags at the curb this morning and noted that's the most we've ever had since we bought the house 6 years ago! It's been a crazy weekend...

6. I forgot to mention that we still kept up with the routine happenings of our usual weeks: wednesday night church stuff, marriage counseling session with one of the about-to-be couples from church, friends/fam over for dinner once a week, our night, etc....and oh, yah, raising two boys under the age of 2...

7. This week should go back to normal {somewhat}. I am thinking of going out and buying some clothes first since our laundry is overflowing and I have too many chores to tackle and the idea of new clothes is therapeutic {...to me. Costly, to Jus}.

...or maybe I'll just take a quick nap first...

The Fat Lady Sings...

So this is it. I have come to the end of my journey at State Bank. I'm sitting here about to head out the door for the last time. Wow, it's kinda crazie and honestly, I don't know what to do with this mixed bag of feelings. For one, I am a mommy of two and the idea of going back to work was not really in the cards, well unless I was going to start making a bizillion more dollars than I was now. Also, I was beginning to think my time at State Bank was coming to an end anyway.  Like I said on monday, I was ready to move on and see what else was out there (well that was before baby number 2). So now, here I am, it's my last day and it truly is so bittersweet. I've come to value many of the people I've come to know as friends and my mornings are never going to be the same. I will miss the hustle and bustle of rushing out of the house, coffee in hand, so as to be greeted by the familiar faces at State Bank. This will be the last morning I will have like that...for who knows how long.  But then tomorrow will begin the first of many and I'm actually thrilled for it to start. Obviously, for those of you who know me, I thrive off of change and new experiences, so that may be an attributing factor to my excitement, (of course that along with the beautiful faces of my new mornings to come)! Sooo, I say check back with me in a month and I'll let you know if the flame has faded or remains strong...

Drowning

It’s 3:30 and I’m sipping my afternoon cup right now while mulling over a conversation I had last night with one of my cousins. We were talking about chaos and life and time management and exhaustion. Yes, all of those topics. We are in very different stages of life – she is a student teacher balancing her final year, upcoming marriage and student teaching roles. Me: mom of two, freelance artist, budding blogger and wife. But as she continued talking about her days, and that “drowning” feeling, I couldn’t help but think “ohmigosh.i honestly understand”. Drowning… when you can’t keep your head above water, no matter how hard you try.  There are just so many things to do, too many hats to wear that by the end of the day -and still some left that haven’t yet been worn- that it’s a struggle to stay awake by nightfall. It’s emotionally exhausting.  I’m used to having things in order and so when they are not, I’m a mess, and it takes A LOT of effort from me to move past it. But I usually do, because I have had many years to learn to do so. But the last few months have been like a pop quiz; a test to see if I can do this more than once, twice, ten times.

See, I’m used to being on top of things, having a plan, executing projects and feeling a sense of satisfaction. These days, it’s almost to the point of just hoping to see it get done. Justin has taught me to be okay with life in its chaotic moments. It’s okay that the laundry doesn’t get done today. It’s okay if we just order dinner tonight. It’s okay if I don’t get to make that macro list of all the micro lists of mini lists that I have stashed deep down in my purse. I agree with him, and have been in a lifelong training process to deal with my obsessive compulsive disorders, but it does sound more easier to do than it is. At least when a week has gone by and the laundry is still sitting in the washing machine (now with that added odor and who knows what - ew!), when it’s the tenth day in a row that we’ve picked up from taco bell, when the lists have just morphed into a symphony of post-its all over the house.

Both my cousin and I felt the need to figure out a way to not be SO wiped at the end of each day; that maybe, just maybe, we would be able to get all the items checked off our list and meet that sense of accomplishment if we an extra shot of energy. But I think the one thing that was said is what truly sees me through each day: this is for a season, and it is not forever.  I will get to the other side and be able to look back. ::sigh:: Believe you me, that will be a wonderful day, and I will too hastily forget all of this (of course I won’t because I have this lovely blog to remind me) but hopefully I’ll learn a little more than I know now at that time...and blog about That.

Enjoy the Green Grass...Today!

Ah. So I'm back at work.

I have to admit, it IS nice to have the opportunity to think like an adult, have adult conversations, get some of the items on my list actually crossed off, and even eat sitting down!  But I do miss the little smiles the little one has as soon as he hears my voice, and the abundance of kisses and hugs my older dude is always eager to give.

But I know this situation at work is temporary, and because of that, I have made up my mind to enjoy this opportunity given to me.  I function and am at peace when there is order and organization, and since the last few months have left me completely disorganized and in a constant battle to 'keep up', the time here is sort of like a little oasis (to me). I know, to all my fellow co-workers, it's hard to believe. But here, I can get my thoughts back in order and figure out a 'plan' for the evenings, and then weekends, and then the months ahead. One step at a time. Honestly, it is much easier to figure all this out with the peace and quiet my desk gives, and even if it is for a month or two, it will hopefully give me enough time to process. I think God knows I need this and I'm grateful He's given it to me. But I am completely aware that by the end of my employment here, I'll be craving some time with my babies... so instead of looking for where the grass is greener, I'm just enjoying the green around me today.

Full Time...Mom?

So, I have one week before I officially return to work after my FMLA leave. Do you remember how that felt? Excitement to finally have adult conversations again mixed in with guilt because you are leaving the kids, and then that additional anxiety regarding daycare (Are they going to take care of them the way I would? Is he going to get an ear infection the next day? What if they get frustrated with his fussing and don't understand that he just needs a break in the middle of his feeding?! Yada yada yada...)

It IS nice that my employer got bought out and that the return from leave is only a temporary situation. For me, anyway. It gives me enough of an opportunity to get back into the 'real world' and get some things tied up here and there right before I commit to being full time mommy.  Because here's the real deal: I am also excited, guilty and anxious about being a full time mom. I love those two little faces and the idea of being with them and catching all the new things while being able to teach them is thrilling. But I also struggle with feeling inadequate with the job itself (are my boys gonna result in being nut jobs because of me?) and I am a people person, so being at home without some adult communication isn't exactly my dream scenario, but then that of course comes with some guilt since there's an unspoken understanding (although not absolutely true) that a mom should want to be at home with her kids.

And, I do! Truly.

It's just a little complicated. In a perfect world, I would LOVE a few hours in the morning to get some much needed work done (whether freelance or at home) and then the rest of the day with those beautiful little dudes of mine. But that's not a promised future, so I need to level (and work with) my expectations.

Anyway, this is a little prequel to the present week of figuring out what is in store next, and enjoying what is before me now.