Wordfilled Wednesday

I had to post this because Cj always tells his dad on his way out for work in the morning to be sure to catch the bad guys. { I may have at one time told him that his dad was a superhero during the day, I duno, I'm not sure =P  }.

Anyway, this is EXACTLY what Cj is thinking when his dad leaves for work in the morning. I'm certain of it.

Hold On

The other night I tucked Cj in for bedtime and he inquired why the lights had to go off too.  Why couldn't he just sleep with the lights on? After providing what I felt was a pretty thorough explanation, he told me very simply that he just didn't like the lights off. I asked him why and he said, 

"...because I can't see."

So simple. 

He didn't say he was scared. I mean, perhaps he was, but those weren't the words he used.  It was because he just can't see in the dark, and well, he didn't like that very much.

Obviously.

I can understand that. I'll admit right along with Colin that I much rather prefer the lights on and the sense of control and security there is with being able to see what's in front of me. 

To see where the shadows come from.

But hold on to what you believe in the light / When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So easy to say. So much harder to do. 

These lyrics {from Mumford and Sons} have been ringing inside of my head for the last week and a half and there are a variety of seasons in my life where these words resonate with me in different ways.  Right now I am feeling refreshed and awake and energized.  But when I am tired or so-worn-down-that-my-body-aches-and-I-just-need-to-sit-down-and-not-move or just plain exhausted, I want to remember these moments, these days when I have the strength, when my heart and my mind are not in constant conflict, when there is clarity.  

The same way I reassure Colin that the things in his room are the same things in his room when the lights go off, I want to feel safe and encouraged by the things I know and believe to be true. 

I want to breathe. 

To those of you who are struggling and are having trouble seeing clearly because you are blind in the dark, hold on. Yes there may be days where we cannot see what is in front of us, or the next step we need to take, but press on. Talk about it and share the truest, deepest recesses of your heart in those darkest of moments.  We are not alone. It helps us heal. It helps to trust again. We are moving forward and there is hope. 

The tunnel will end and there will be light once again.

The Twos

The inevitable has happened. Colin has hit the terrible twos.

Okay, so he has always had his moments {obviously} but more of them seemed to be sweet than terrible, or at least that's how I've seen them to be. Now, all of a sudden {and I mean over the last two days} he has started to look me square in the eye, lean back and very purposefully say "No." ...or scream or yell or hit or kick or somehow show me that he is in charge of his own destiny.

He has even started to tell me "stop it" when I give him an unexpected kiss or hug.

What has happened to my sweet little charmer, who would run over and give me tight hugs with an enormous amount of kisses and belly laughs.

The innocence is wearing away.

I thought I had 15 years or so before that happened.

Well, now I have no idea how to handle this because I thought I had finally gotten a handle on the lil' monster moments. Time outs, serious conversations and the firm tone have all seemed to lose their value, or at least they do not seem to be working like they once did. So I am fresh out of ideas.

Its days like these where I wish I had more perspective on parenting. Everything within me just wants to yell back or throw my own tantrum, but most of the time I just look completely calm on the outside {which probably infuriates him all the more}. But, I have been learning more about how establishing trust between you and your kids majorly affects their attitudes and their behaviors, and I mean, yay, that's great and all. So, I've got it all in theory. It's the struggle of making that become a reality that I haven't seemed to get a handle of  It's hard to step back to see the big picture when you are dealing with the crazie details.

It's just hard to grasp that clarity in the midst of the moment.

So I write. Writing is like praying with a pen, or something, for me. Its about the process and I don't always get all the answers, but I do get peace and perspective. I firmly believe He gives me fresher perspective when I write.

So, new challenge: build trust. Hmm, we'll see. Now I just have to figure out how to do that more than I do now...

Wordless Wednesday



silly momma & colin having fun with photobooth

Wordless Wednesday

like father, like son

I'm the proud parent of...

So I finally took the boys out shopping this morning {usually I go out once a day even if it's just to roam the store, but this has been a not-so-productive week} and it was so great to be out. We got to go to two stores and let me just tell you: my boys are superstars. I mean they were just so good. I think they just wanted to get out of the house. I mean, Cj loves our field trips to 'the store'. He's always grabbing my pantleg at home and dragging me to the door. The boy just likes to be outside. I can't blame him. Both his parents do too. So even when Tj started getting a little fussy at the end of the two hours, Cj kept leaning towards him to let him know we were almost done. It was great!

The best part was when we got home and I left one of my shopping bags at the foot of the stairs. Cj was on his way upstairs to go take his nap {which he loathes doing, but for some reason he was in an agreeable mood today} and he saw my dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Okay first of all these are a serious addiction of mine. I canNOT get enough of them. That and kashi dark chocolate oatmeal cookies {Jus thinks those taste like cardboard. Ha! Jokes on him...more for me!!}.

Now, it's hard enough for me to share chocolate-peanut butter delights in general, BUT when my little boy looks up at me with those puppy dog eyes and pleads with that little itty-bitty voice "momma can I have one, please? can i have one? please mo-om?" It's a hard thing. But, I have been found to share with him from time to time. THIS, however, was certainly not going to be one of those times. And, no, not because I wanted them all for myself {honestly though, can I just say that sharing makes it taste so much better? ...Ohgoodness, i'm such a mom} but because he would never fall asleep for his nap! Soo I looked him right in the eyes and said no. I did promise to give him one after he took his nap though.

Now usually this would result in some kind of struggle for who knows how long. But for some lord-unknown-reason, he looked right back at me for a serious 8 seconds, put it back in the bag and then continued to walk up the stairs.

It. Was. Awesome.

After the shock, I gloated. I know. I'm crazie. But for the moment I was able to feel like I should get one of those nice, white bumper stickers that says "I am the proud parent of a chocolate-peanut-butter-loving and from-time-to-time-obedient son."

Well, at least until he wakes up.

Wordless Wednesday

{Travis and Colin}

{Travis' toy of choice and Colin's toy of choice}

{Colin got a hold of the camera}

haaaaaappy happy birthday, colin!

My little boy is TWO years old!  How did that happen? He's still a baby...well now he's a toddler: a rambunctious, inquisitive, talkative, trouble-making one.

My life is so full and he plays a big part in it. He brings joy. He loves to dance and goes running for his guitar as soon as he hears john mayer, or any good guitarist. He always wants to help me cook, or clean, or turn on the 'washine mashing?' {i gotta get him to figure that one out} He loves to brush his teeth, or rather, devour all the toothpaste; he loves to wear mommy's things, and he follows his daddy around like his shadow. He loves trains, and cars, and talking and learning. His favorite colors are pink, orange and green. He loves his brother, he wants to do everything with him and show him everything he's learning.

I can't wait to see what happens in his life next. He will be extraordinary because he already is now. It's amazing to think that God fashioned this little soul for a something-to-be for a time-to-be and right now he's fulfilling his purpose with me and I can't thank God enough.

Oh little one, there is so much to say and so much to tell you. I am SO so blessed to be your mom.

Happy 2nd Birthday Colin!

Sleep wakings

So about a month or two ago, as J and I were getting ready for bed, we heard banging coming from Colin's room. I told J to go in quietly, just to make sure he was okay {maybe he fell out of bed} since the sounds would continue after several long pauses.  So he went, and I heard the door open, then a cry from Colin and then J's soothing tone.

A few minutes later he walks back in with Colin draped over his shoulder and looks at me quizzically, whispering: "that was the strangest thing I have ever seen. He was just standing in front of his dresser, opening and shutting the drawer"

Um, I'm sorry. What did you say?!

And the next thing you know, images from paranormal activity start flashing through my head {yah, from the trailers, uh, because I cannot watch those things}. What is this man saying, that my child might be possessed or something? I have heard of sleepwalking and such, especially of stories from back when I was in school, and I even remember a few nights last year when Colin was but a few months old and he would definitely be going through some sort of nightmare even though his eyes were open and looking around {I remember, we would get him and it would take him at least 5-6 minutes to recognize that we were his dadda and momma, as long as we kept soothing and talking to him, and yes, while he was 'awake'}

But this, I'm sorry, is so creepy. I'm just not used to it. Okay, well I shouldn't say that. J actually talks in his sleep. But really only just a few words at a time. Like "oh no, thats not what he said" or "watch out for the hole in the sidewalk" {what IS he dreaming about?} and actually just now he stretched and said "we shouldn't go there."
[I was once told if you catch them at the same tone and level of volume and ask them a question, you could continue the conversation. And I will guiltily, yet happily tell you that I have done that MANY a time.]
So I responded with "yah, definitely, right?" and got him to say "good thing we didn't go yesterday".

{I wish I knew what he was talking about. One of these days I'm going to get him to tell me a whole story and record it so he gets to hear it. One of these days...}

Anyway, so the accounts with my DH might be more on the hilarious side, but really because it just doesn't get much more exciting than that. But to get out of bed and start doing normal things, well, opening and closing drawers over and over again really isn't normal. It's creepy. Like scary movie-paranormal-ghostly- creepy.

I'm hoping its what the doctors and most people have said about this age; that it'll pass. What do you think? Any of you encounter phenomenons like this with your loved ones?

Really, just tell me that it's going to be okay.

Super Mom {?}

Jus' parents came up this afternoon to hang out with the kids, so I got a few hours to slip away and gather my thoughts. I was actually looking forward to using this time to run some errands that I rather rarely get to, but because it is well into the afternoon, my fuel has begun to run low.  I did, however, get a moment to sit in front of my macbook and stare, which is a lot for me these days, it is. I just kinda let my brain go blank instead of forcing it to get something done. So here we are. I just let my fingers start typing...

...and we have come to the end of my first full week of mommy-dom. It's been quite interesting, to say the least, and honestly, I've come to truly enjoy it. Of course, I'm still getting used to this new life, so not everything is kosher cozy. It's still quite an adjustment. For one, you think you will be able to get to your to-do list and watch it decrease in size, when the opposite is actually what happens.  You not only rarely get to it, it is in fact growing. Besides the maturing list, the first three days of this week I had come to all but completely forget that I even had a list of side projects because, well, my vision and energies were all being focused on the task at hand: being none other than super mom. 

"mommy...where ARE you...."

Like I said though, amidst the bottles and the screams and spilled milk, I've come to enjoy it. For example, I've learned what the daycare teachers were saying when they talked about how much Colin talks. I mean, yes the boy loves to talk, I'll admit it. I see it. But now I really HEAR it. He talks all. the. time.  It's amazing! Sometimes I just stop what I'm doing to hear him having his latest observation spoken out or I get to overhear a new conversation he is having with himself, or the one he's pretending to have with Travis. Sometimes in the car, he's quietly sharing all his thoughts and dreams  to whomever he thinks is listening (it would be me, but he's usually talking as if that someone is right next to him. maybe he's letting travis in on his secrets? who knows.)

In either case, it's been so fun to watch. And to see how much of a social bug he really is. Every trip to the store has resulted in him starting a conversation with the girl at the register or with another child in another cart or just with him waving bye on our way out of Target while repeating "goodbye everybody. goodbye. see you later!" At the playground he just assumes he's everyone's best friend. It's really pretty cool. If anything it's forcing me to push out of the just-the-three-of-us bubble and meeting other mommas and kids. Maybe next week we need to take that visit to the library. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, it takes everything within me not to just cover him with kisses each time. I do enough, trust me. But he would never get to do anything else if I didn't control myself here and there. The best part is when he just stops whatever he's doing to say "thank you momma" and runs over to give me a big hug and kiss ON HIS OWN. 

::Sigh::

I truly am blessed.  It really does seem to make the chaos and stress just melt away.

Poor Jus, doesn't even know what he's missing ...

Wordless Wednesday

It’s Just Sleep Sense…

So my son is 22 months TODAY! Its crazie to think that he is going to be 2 years old in a few months. Every morning there is something new that he says or does and I am caught mouth open just gazing at him in awe. How did this little person come to be!? It really is all so exciting. I still can’t believe I get to be a part of this…

In light of this, Jus and I are currently struggling to establish a bedtime to sleep routine for this lovely child of ours. No, let me rephrase that, we are struggling to establish a WORKING routine for this child… See, he’s always had a bedtime routine and truthfully, it is pretty solid. He knows what is happening next and for the most part he doesn’t really fight it.  In fact, if he’s in a good mood, then he is rather eager to hit up each part: dinner, bathtime, pj’s, story time, prayer and then lights out.  Well, all except for ‘lights out’ – that’s when the battle really begins. He starts saying no (of course) but then moves to ‘momma, hold you’ (which to him means, momma, hold me) or ‘I wanna see dadda’ or ‘travis’ or ‘whoever-else-i-can-think-of-that-will-get-me-outta-this-going-to-sleep-situation’. This kid, I tell you.

Now don’t get me wrong, we aren’t afraid of him crying (kids cry, it’s okay) or of putting our foot down with him, etc. This is what we go through almost every night. But he hasn't actually had anything really consistent in terms of a routine when it comes to what happens after lights go out. For some reason or another, it always changes…and if we really think about it, it's mostly because we are not on the same page or 100% convinced of the method we are currently doing (because it doesn’t seem like its working or what not) and ultimately we are still just trying to figure it out. Especially since the little guy had a ton of major life changes all happen right after another, starting in the fall: vacation without mommy and daddy, surgery, crib-to-toddler bed, new baby brother, and then getting sick here and there on top of that....well, it resulted in us just never getting the after-lights-out routine down pat.  So no wonder this kid is all over the place with it; it’s just been so confusing. Let him cry it out (CIO) or check on him? Pick him up…leave him? Let him get out of bed…put him back in? Etc. Now, after so many months, he’s just forgotten how to get to sleep on his own, and it is so important, especially since we all wake up in the middle of the night due to sleep cycles, and as adults, we can just go back to sleep.  For children, it’s not so simple. They need to be taught.

So, we are starting over. I’m a firm believer in the CIO method, but obviously it’s not easy. And Justin is on the fence, which is fine. So we are trying the sleep sense method to see how it works (which incorporates a true understanding of CIO, but doesn't force you to it), and establishing a secure sleep environment that allows it to be fun, and yet sensible for him  to go to sleep.  

I made up a little chart for him that I hung on a wall in his room at his level and I made little gold stars to velcro next to one that he completes.  Perhaps when he gets a little older, maybe I can add a reward if there is a gold star next to each (hopefully he will have the routine down pat by then) but for now the gold stars themselves are enough of a hit (seriously, it's the little things that excite them at this age). Obviously, it’s been the first day, but he loved it. He still fought when it came to lights out, but it’s okay. I think I just feel better because there is some sort of plan in place. Hopefully we stick to it.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Wordless Wednesday

...apologies for the quality; this was taken from my phone ...

wordless wednesday

justin & cj