The Fat Lady Sings...

So this is it. I have come to the end of my journey at State Bank. I'm sitting here about to head out the door for the last time. Wow, it's kinda crazie and honestly, I don't know what to do with this mixed bag of feelings. For one, I am a mommy of two and the idea of going back to work was not really in the cards, well unless I was going to start making a bizillion more dollars than I was now. Also, I was beginning to think my time at State Bank was coming to an end anyway.  Like I said on monday, I was ready to move on and see what else was out there (well that was before baby number 2). So now, here I am, it's my last day and it truly is so bittersweet. I've come to value many of the people I've come to know as friends and my mornings are never going to be the same. I will miss the hustle and bustle of rushing out of the house, coffee in hand, so as to be greeted by the familiar faces at State Bank. This will be the last morning I will have like that...for who knows how long.  But then tomorrow will begin the first of many and I'm actually thrilled for it to start. Obviously, for those of you who know me, I thrive off of change and new experiences, so that may be an attributing factor to my excitement, (of course that along with the beautiful faces of my new mornings to come)! Sooo, I say check back with me in a month and I'll let you know if the flame has faded or remains strong...

yah, and...

Just read my post from yesterday, and I’m thinking, yah. That’s true. I’m thrilled.

…and kinda nervous.

The Last Monday

::Sigh::

It’s the last Monday of the last three days at the Bank. I’m certain this subject will be the reigning topic of discussion for this week since it’s pretty much all I have been thinking about. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually not sad. Well, let me rephrase that. I AM sad about leaving the wonderful friends I have made, but I am excited to see what starts next.  So it’s not that I’m thinking about it in a depressed~melancholy kind of way. It’s just a huge change that is happening and no matter how I feel about it, it’s overwhelming. I’m going to be a stay at home mom. I never thought of myself as a stay at home anything before. I’m more of a get-out-of-the-house, adventurous, people-person kind of gal {with my occasional i-need-my-time-away-from-everyone-and-at-home-sometimes}. But today, as I dropped off my boys, all I was thinking was “I wish I could stay at home with you guys”. It really has been a change of perspective for me. I will continue to keep my flair for the creative, of course {so stay tuned for more on that} but in the meantime, mommy-dom will be what consumes my days, and I’m rather thrilled.  

Enjoy the Green Grass...Today!

Ah. So I'm back at work.

I have to admit, it IS nice to have the opportunity to think like an adult, have adult conversations, get some of the items on my list actually crossed off, and even eat sitting down!  But I do miss the little smiles the little one has as soon as he hears my voice, and the abundance of kisses and hugs my older dude is always eager to give.

But I know this situation at work is temporary, and because of that, I have made up my mind to enjoy this opportunity given to me.  I function and am at peace when there is order and organization, and since the last few months have left me completely disorganized and in a constant battle to 'keep up', the time here is sort of like a little oasis (to me). I know, to all my fellow co-workers, it's hard to believe. But here, I can get my thoughts back in order and figure out a 'plan' for the evenings, and then weekends, and then the months ahead. One step at a time. Honestly, it is much easier to figure all this out with the peace and quiet my desk gives, and even if it is for a month or two, it will hopefully give me enough time to process. I think God knows I need this and I'm grateful He's given it to me. But I am completely aware that by the end of my employment here, I'll be craving some time with my babies... so instead of looking for where the grass is greener, I'm just enjoying the green around me today.

Full Time...Mom?

So, I have one week before I officially return to work after my FMLA leave. Do you remember how that felt? Excitement to finally have adult conversations again mixed in with guilt because you are leaving the kids, and then that additional anxiety regarding daycare (Are they going to take care of them the way I would? Is he going to get an ear infection the next day? What if they get frustrated with his fussing and don't understand that he just needs a break in the middle of his feeding?! Yada yada yada...)

It IS nice that my employer got bought out and that the return from leave is only a temporary situation. For me, anyway. It gives me enough of an opportunity to get back into the 'real world' and get some things tied up here and there right before I commit to being full time mommy.  Because here's the real deal: I am also excited, guilty and anxious about being a full time mom. I love those two little faces and the idea of being with them and catching all the new things while being able to teach them is thrilling. But I also struggle with feeling inadequate with the job itself (are my boys gonna result in being nut jobs because of me?) and I am a people person, so being at home without some adult communication isn't exactly my dream scenario, but then that of course comes with some guilt since there's an unspoken understanding (although not absolutely true) that a mom should want to be at home with her kids.

And, I do! Truly.

It's just a little complicated. In a perfect world, I would LOVE a few hours in the morning to get some much needed work done (whether freelance or at home) and then the rest of the day with those beautiful little dudes of mine. But that's not a promised future, so I need to level (and work with) my expectations.

Anyway, this is a little prequel to the present week of figuring out what is in store next, and enjoying what is before me now.