Elusion… Illusion …?

See, here's the problem.

I don't have a lot of time. Time eludes me. Well, actually I have the same amount of time everyone else does but for some reason my management of it has grown terr-- …no, rather, it has shrunk. I'm at a loss.

Everything in me wants to share the blame with my two sweet, lovable, busybody boys. But, if I am being honest, I just can't.  They are a part of my life and I devote most of my day to building them up. So what I have not done is learn how to manage my time or perhaps…maybe J and I - we have not developed the ability to say "no."

"No I don't have time for that…" "No, we may not be able to take that on this time…" "No, we may need to meet another day…or in about 6 months… or something…"

We keep saying yes.

BUT … to be fair, that's only because we are used to doing that. Saying Yes…and really being able to follow through with that. Now, it's all different and we are still not used to it. So we keep saying inviting more into our day, and then quickly realize we are just not equipped the same way we used to be.

BUT THEN… when I scan my emails and see a blog or two where some supermom is doing everything with their kids, AND blogging, AND meal planning AND staying trim {I just threw that in there for some dramatic flair, but you all know what I'm talking about} I just throw my hands up in the air and think, how do they do it? How do they do it all and not get burnt out?

Yes, and then my sweet, patient, and lovingly husband tries to remind me that this just isn't the case and that all moms probably feel the same way… but I refuse to believe him.  I mean, look at their blogs. They seem to have it all down pat.

:: sigh ::

Yes, then again he says if they read my blog, they may feel the same way about me. But see, if you are the wise and truly insightful audience that I imagine you to be,  you would notice that it takes me months at a time to post a word or two on this thing, thus concluding that I am not able to manage my lot.

No?

ANywHoo..

I like to rant and I haven't written in a while and I figured in an effort to be honest and authentic, even here, I would share. Here's the thing: I like to write every day, and I miss it. Truly, I do.  However, falling asleep at 8pm - sometimes without a third meal -  doesn't help. So as I go through this process of figuring out a way to manage my day better or get back into some sort of routine, trust me. I'll be around.

Undone

This week has been hard. There have been an overwhelming amount of tasks on my plate and no time to tackle any of them. Besides that, I am without a desk ~ aka workstation ~ aka office ~ to even get my thoughts in order. I feel like I am all over the place and try as hard as I might, I just cannot get my head to wrap around them. At least not in a way that will enable me to function properly. I used to hear other people talk about this, but I just didn't get it. It used to seem like something you just had to try harder with or adapt to and yet, NOW its my turn, and I'm all kinds of lost. I need to get back on track. I need to figure something out soon or the little thread that has begun to unravel will have me come undone.

But see, I'm used to having a million things on my plate. I'm used to multitasking to the nth degree. It's just that I usually have a space of my own midst the chaos and craziness. That is where there is calm. There is quiet. There is order.

It's my place to go officially bonkers {to the masses} and keep organized in a world of disorder and disarray.

A place where using my sherry-branded filing system, or a post-it, or the organized set of lists from action lists to pending to complete or using the calendar in front of me is available. Now I'm writing things down on random notepads and scraps of paper and they get stuck somewhere deep inside my purse where there is no rhyme or reason, and before long that priority job that I was supposed to handle last week has resurfaced from the blackness and I can't believe I forgot all about it but it is all because this is what a simple, limited legal pad and it's scraps of paper associates can offer me.

Either I get a work station fast, or I need to have a serious day of revamping my system of order and adapt to a new way of life.

Well, except that was what I thought was doing. But apparently it's just not working.

Its not always going to be a good day.

Project Purge

Recently, Justin aptly stated that now that I am home, somehow I have found the time to shop for all the things I have ever wanted. I laugh because it is true, BUT it's not what you think.  The way he says it, you would think I was raiding the mall or the shops along 5th avenue.  But I have actually been scouring out nearby deal / dollar stores for pretty baskets and simple colored containers for my organizing habit. I know, so disappointing. I mean, I AM in need of a wardrobe redo, but thats probably not going to happen in the near future. Not until I purge at least 75% of it (which I WILL be doing, its just a purging project that falls behind a few other high priorities at the moment).

Right now I am in the middle of purging the house of unwanted clutter. We are undergoing clutter rehab at the moment. It's a 12 step process...

First Step: Toys

I have always shuddered at the thought of random toys lying haphazardly here and there disturbing the rooms we would much rather retreat to.  Can you imagine it? (Well some of you can. Just look at the room you are in probably, as I am doing. It's a mess. There are toys EVERYWHERE!!) So now this has become a reality in my own home and it drives me crazy.  But I have found that it is near impossible to run after these boys and put everything away or even expect them to every single time {note: Colin is really really good about putting toys away when he needs to. I mean, really, as long as I make it an 'activity' he is up for anything..}

But now these toys are not just everywhere; they are growing. Exponentially. Especially now that his second birthday is coming up in a month, this is going to become a much larger problem unless I do something now. 

So this is the project outline of what I have planned:

1. Gather:

I am going to collect all the toys from every room in the house. There are some in a box or two in the basement that Colin had outgrown and a few in his bedroom. In either case, I'm going to lay them all out for step two...

2. Purge:

So once gathered, I will use the basics of cleaning 101 and separate them into the three famous piles - 

1. Trash
2. Give
3. Sort

..Trash..
Some are old or have missing pieces or something. They can get discarded.
Really people.

..Give..

The boys don't need so many toys. I definitely enjoy using some of them to teach him about colors and shapes and animals, etc. But he doesn't need all the toys that he has. Especially when there are so many children right here on long island that don't have more than a stuffed animal to their name. I'd rather those children have and enjoy these little items rather than allowing them to get stuck under my fridge or bed or between my toes...

...and...

3. Sort:

I bought some containers. Some large ones and some medium sized ones. I'm in the process of looking for small ones with tops that I can keep little pieces in. 

I'll attach some labels {of course} i.e.: puzzles, music, coloring, cars, etc. and even though Colin won't understand them {yet} I will, and that's enough for me.  I am hoping to keep them all up high on a shelf and allow him two baskets a day to play with. I think that will help enable him to enjoy playing with his toys, finding some of them to be "new' again.  This while allow the room to feel less chaotic, and I won't mind if they are scattered about since it will only be the few he's playing with and not every single toy covering my already carpeted floors.

It's a win-win situation.

So this thursday begins phase one. Stay tuned for more ...

Personal Day

On those random mornings that I was able to grab a Starbucks skinny mocha before I had to rush into the office, I would enviously watch those few that had the luxury of sitting in one of those plush nooks with a small table while browsing through their laptops or with a newspaper in one hand and a steaming hot cup in the other. I always wondered what that would be like if it were MY morning. Well, with two weeks left to go in my ending position, I decided to use up one of my remaining personal days and actually have one. So here I am, coming to the end of a lovely morning, enjoying this starbucks-window-view I used to only experience back in my more free-spirited days.

This morning, I had a proverbial epiphany (well, it's really nothing new) that I am my own worst enemy.  One of the obstacles to actually enjoying a personal day is that I have way-too-so many things I need want to do. So, either I sit in my imagination-station looking at all those things scattered before me while never touching a single one of them, resulting in a more frustrating end to my day OR rather, I try to tackle every single one (three or four at the same time) and then feel that my personal day off was much more overwhelming than a regularly occupied one.

SOo, this morning I had a stern talking to myself in the mirror, and decided to skip the plans and lists, avoid trying to figure out which priority was really the priority of priorities and just go. So I did.  I dropped the kids off at daycare, and parked in the parking lot of the first Starbucks I saw.

And here we are. Noontime and refreshed. (I'll admit I sorta tried to do eight things at once while on my laptop - read this, blog that, update church things and stuff, hit up pinterest while editing my own site at sherrdesign.com...etc. okay, okay, so no one said I was perfect).

As I wrap up my morning, I am purposefully NOT stressing about the rest of my day. I'll leave the lists of things to do for a day that I'll actually be doing all of them anyway.  I think I'll pick up for lunch instead of worrying about what to make before I head home and then at least tackle cleaning/ organizing the house. Yes, I know I just said I wasn’t going to stress and then in the same sentence said I was going to clean. BUT, I actually find the cleaning therapeutic when I don't have to worry about kids underfoot. Anyway, tonight we are off to Philly (my hometown!) so for me it’s nice to come back to a pretty tidy house after a long weekend.  So I'll try to do what I can, while packing a few items for myself and the boys before I have to pick them up. Sounds like a plan...err...I mean, not-a-plan (no plans!!) to me!

PS: is this what spontaneity looks like for me these days?! Starbucks and then cleaning? ::Sigh:: That's okay.  Next week I need to use my last personal day so I'll save that for the skydiving, or better yet, some dancing in the rain...

wanna join me?

Drowning

It’s 3:30 and I’m sipping my afternoon cup right now while mulling over a conversation I had last night with one of my cousins. We were talking about chaos and life and time management and exhaustion. Yes, all of those topics. We are in very different stages of life – she is a student teacher balancing her final year, upcoming marriage and student teaching roles. Me: mom of two, freelance artist, budding blogger and wife. But as she continued talking about her days, and that “drowning” feeling, I couldn’t help but think “ohmigosh.i honestly understand”. Drowning… when you can’t keep your head above water, no matter how hard you try.  There are just so many things to do, too many hats to wear that by the end of the day -and still some left that haven’t yet been worn- that it’s a struggle to stay awake by nightfall. It’s emotionally exhausting.  I’m used to having things in order and so when they are not, I’m a mess, and it takes A LOT of effort from me to move past it. But I usually do, because I have had many years to learn to do so. But the last few months have been like a pop quiz; a test to see if I can do this more than once, twice, ten times.

See, I’m used to being on top of things, having a plan, executing projects and feeling a sense of satisfaction. These days, it’s almost to the point of just hoping to see it get done. Justin has taught me to be okay with life in its chaotic moments. It’s okay that the laundry doesn’t get done today. It’s okay if we just order dinner tonight. It’s okay if I don’t get to make that macro list of all the micro lists of mini lists that I have stashed deep down in my purse. I agree with him, and have been in a lifelong training process to deal with my obsessive compulsive disorders, but it does sound more easier to do than it is. At least when a week has gone by and the laundry is still sitting in the washing machine (now with that added odor and who knows what - ew!), when it’s the tenth day in a row that we’ve picked up from taco bell, when the lists have just morphed into a symphony of post-its all over the house.

Both my cousin and I felt the need to figure out a way to not be SO wiped at the end of each day; that maybe, just maybe, we would be able to get all the items checked off our list and meet that sense of accomplishment if we an extra shot of energy. But I think the one thing that was said is what truly sees me through each day: this is for a season, and it is not forever.  I will get to the other side and be able to look back. ::sigh:: Believe you me, that will be a wonderful day, and I will too hastily forget all of this (of course I won’t because I have this lovely blog to remind me) but hopefully I’ll learn a little more than I know now at that time...and blog about That.