Where I met God

I recall a time when I was a different sort of woman, sitting alongside an abandoned part of a rocky beach, watching the quiet scene; a broken sort. Angry and confused and hurt. It was one of those moments where you know He exists but the weariness in your soul pulls you away from belief. I did not know what to do with Him. I refused to speak. It was hard to listen. I remember digging my toes under the sand and dust and gravel and dirt, feeling myself fall beneath the surface, immersing myself into pain, watching the chaos of the scene envelop my own.  The rippling waves crashing into rocks, bathing the coastline, splattering on shells. The only distractions were the occasional small stones I would flick out into the great expanse. Yet it was here in the quiet moments, in the darkness and brokenness, that I was able to once again hear God speak. I wouldn't open my Bible but He would penetrate through with words I had buried deep from our initial relationship. From the books of the Bible that displayed stories of broken relationships and of darkness, of healing and forgiveness. Words about the heavy hurts and insecurities I was carrying and how God was longing for me to allow Him to carry them for me. Truths about who He is, about my being someone He made and about the why and about how I was somehow special to Him. Loved even. About what He did to show me. Despite all the crazy I have seen and done, can one even imagine? It was there that hope began to sprout, where it glimmered and glowed in the darkness, where something inside became new. Sometimes I look back on that time in my life with mixed feelings; although it was truly low and difficult, it was still a turning point in my life. It was a change that I could not have done without. We must experience those moments of humility and I am eternally grateful for it. It was there that I met God.

Like Notes on a Page of Music

There is something beautiful about a billion stars

held steady by a God who knows what He is doing.

They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page

of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the

blue like jazz.

And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there

somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was,

but this time I felt it. I realized it.

The way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty.

The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain

and into my heart.

I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry

because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him,

had committed adultery, and yet

hopelessly in love with her, drunk with

love for her."

- Donald Miller. Blue Like Jazz.

Falling Snow

There's a sweet serenity and calm surrender to snow.  I mean to say, to the actual snow falling. Not that the white blanket doesn't offer some cozy comfort, but I'm fascinated with the peaceful ambience that somehow …is…  with falling snow.

What's that about?

Of course I'm also writing from the comfort of my four walls without having to trudge out in the stuff to get somewhere so I'm aware that this all comes into play.  But even midst the absolute craziness of my own day, I purposefully decided to take a moment and just bask in this beauty.

It IS beautiful. It falls, it lingers, it dances. It doesn't just drop to the ground. There's some swagger to it and it's all part of the design.  It's a simple existence, but I'm still so captured by it.  Similar to the moments my littlest one experiences something for the first time and his big, beautiful, brown eyes grown in amazement {yes, they actually get bigger!} His innocence and sheer wonder brings delight to my own.

The book of Acts in the Bible talks about the community being filled with awe at signs and miracles. "Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs…" Acts 2:43

"The way of reason seeks to eliminate mystery and bring the world under our control. The way of wonder accepts the mysteries of life and responds with something that is familiar to children but forgotten by most adults: Awe." - David Benner

See, we sometimes miss the mysteries in this life but when I catch them, it is in these moments that I am full. Full of awe, and I don't just stop there. I love it. I'm drawn to it and drawn to the Creator.  I wonder, does that bring Him delight too?

I wish I could just go out and join the dance.

Redemption.

Heard this on the radio the other day and God spoke powerfully to me that day. 

Redeem \ri-ˈdēm\  [from the merriam-webster's dictionary; emphasis mine]
   to buy back, to get or win back; 
   to free from what distresses or harms;
   to free from captivity by payment of ransom;
   to help to overcome something detrimental;
   to release from blame or debt, clear; 
   to change for the better;
   repair, restore

I find God reminding me of this Truth almost everyday. Especially when I look into those big, brown, innocent eyes that smile at me everyday. They are my daily reminders of grace, of love, of redemption.

When there are rough moments, tough days, cloudy skies, I want to fix my eyes on the One who perfects my faith..who suffered and yet knew of the joy ahead of Him.

feeling imperfect

Ah, the craving to be known. A desire to be understood. The need for relationship. I've read that it is utterly human yet absolutely divine as well. I find it interesting that somehow God uses dead ends almost disguised as a means to bring us all longing for relationship with Him.

Most are often too busy mulling about their own business, their own solitary lives to take the more-than-a-minute they need to find out more about another. Okay, wait. I take that back. Not everyone is like that, but I certainly live in a society where maintenance is our highest priority.   Where we make sure everything sits in its proper place, everything is in order and is oh-so-pretty on the outside before we take the time to reach out our hand to help another who may have fallen down.

I am one of them; they are me. It's a lonely existence.

To be freed from loneliness, from despair, we need to leave our safe little corner of the world in search of a caring community.

But... I do know what it means to live in an authentic, caring community.

Over the last few years, I've begun to embrace the reality of transparency and leave the pulpit with theory. It's a life of vulnerability and true exposure. A life where I embrace the emotional. One where I have allowed the walls to come down so I can be known.

But it's still second nature to get caught up in the nitty-gritty. I still want my perfectly trimmed lawn, a spic and span kitchen and my kids to be wally and beaver cleaver.

I come undone when I see how far I am from attaining those "dreams". I feel imperfect. It's a dead end.

I'm being reminded of who I am, where I am, and that there is One (who actually is perfect) that still wants to be with me. This perspective allows me to see that there are others who also need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, someone to care... And I can be that someone for them.

So yah, I'm not perfect. But then on this planet, no one really is.

Do I want a good boy?

So as I tend to begin my mornings with coffee, of course, I usually then proceed with a certain curiosity for what the day may unfold.  I begin to wonder about what we will do. Will there be a sufficient amount of activities for the kids? Will I have done what I needed to mold and teach them the age-appropriate education that is expected of them at this age? Am I going to be a better example today for them than yesterday? Are they finally going to get what it means to be a 'good boy' today?

Those are just a few of the many expectations I put on myself. I know. I need to just take a chill pill. I know.

J tells me the same thing. Essentially.

Then I read this the other day - -

"

And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. 

- Deuteronomy 6:5-7 

Over the last few days I feel that those bags packed full of these expectations have begun to lift from my shoulders.  Instead of just doing things with the boys, I've tried to spend time with them.  I'm not just reading a book or two, I'm enjoying the stories, their reactions, the imagination.  When we play or learn or whatever, I'm watching them. I'm stepping into 'aha' moments and basking in them.

My change in attitude has provided a wonderful lack of frustration that would have normally found its way to the surface by the end of each day prior.  Now, whether it was to try and get 'x' done while cj wanted me to put his trains together and tj tugged at my pant leg, I felt free from frustration and even guilt.

I want to teach them how to be godly versus good. I want to build a relationship with them instead of adding to the number of activities in a day. It's been freeing. Now, I am free to enjoy the time with them. And though I know there will be days and those harder-than-ever situations, I can now confidently leave the ownership of who they are / will be to God so I can enjoy these moments in the meantime.

The other day, Colin patted the seat beside him and beckoned : "Mommy, come sit on the couch and tell me about God."

Seriously. Who taught him that?

...from the M.O.B. Society

Today I happened to jot down the many confessions for the day, and this article caught my interest from 'mom of boys' mob society blog. It just seemed to take the words out of my mouth, so I thought I would reblog this. Plus there's a giveaway at the site: two birds, one stone. But really, whether you are a mom of boys or just a mom in general, this has been a very resourceful and encouraging site to me. Check it out when you get a free moment…

when you think you’re all alone {and a giveaway!}

By Brooke McGlothlin

We moms, we think we’re all alone, don’t we?

We think our problems are worse than everyone else’s. We think our children’s sinful hearts are more sinful than everyone else’s. We think our weak spots have to be hidden, and can’t imagine telling the truth about what’s happening in our homes.

During those times, we often feel trapped.

Wordfilled Wednesdays

I am doing the best I can.

I feel that I have lots of days when I can do this. Then a corresponding amount of days when I feel I cannot.  The roller coaster of emotions messes with my psyche.  I simply cannot keep up. At the end of the day I feel that I am constantly left wondering "did I do enough?" I feel separated from reality and often encounter an out-of-body experience; watching myself go through the motions.

Looking within from time to time is always a valuable assessment, but to live in a constant state of uncertainty and timidity is a poor place to reside. At least for me, it is.

I don't like living in that.

But, here I am.

. . .

Days like these, I have to remind myself of many, many things.

One of which is that even though I may not feel like it, I am doing what I can, the best way that I know how and I'm praying for One to make up the rest.

Please Lord, make up the rest.

a forgetful people

It is incredibly hard not to watch my 2 and a half year old engage in whatever he is at play with. He is just so full of life. He loves to tell stories and run around for no good reason, and just come back and talk in full sentences. It's hard for me to contain myself sometimes. He's talking so much more and it's hard to believe he can talk more than he already does, but my day consists primarily of allowing him to run up right beside me, talking. Nonstop. Even when he can't think of the word he needs to use in his sentence/story/question/..., he'll figure out how to get his point across. It's remarkable. 

And he enjoys counting. Everything turns in to an opportunity to count with him. I have to say that's all Jus {or my brother} because I neglect the capacity to add or subtract.

I could write out an essay on it though. 

Or draw a picture.

Anyway its nice to know that when I need someone to comprehend quantity and structure and space...and numbers in general, I'll have my hubs and firstborn to look to. Who knows, maybe Tj will exemplify mathematical powers too. 

For now, Tj just seems to live perpetually in a 'what a wonderful' kind of 'world', and even more so when he sees me. He is always just so eager to catch my attention and then erupt in his woody-the-woodpecker cackling.  His sweet face turns from wonder to adoration and I revel in it.

Cj used to do that, but now it's like a distant memory. 

So now I find great delight Tj's all forgiving love.

More and more I am floored by how incredible it is to witness and even be participant to these little lives. To see these tiny persons sing and talk and think they are all grown up. I truly try not to miss any minute of it. 

And then I get overwhelmed by them. And by Him. 

How did I get to be so blessed? Who does this? Who allows me the miraculous opportunity to be part of something so precious? So real and so GOOD? And for all who know, it truly is a miracle.  I just too often ‘forget’. Even though I can’t ever really forget the life I've lived, I am also always reminded of God and of his goodness. 

"'Course He's not safe! But He's good. He's the King I tell you..."

{mr. beaver on aslan in the chronicles of narnia}

He is just so too good to me.

Rain...Rain...don't go away

Like most mornings, the whimpering cries from Cj's room find their way into ours and slowly but surely, disrupt my morning slumber.  An unexpected coolness invades the air, and I am a little more eager to start the day.  I slip out of the bed quietly so as to not wake J, and take a quick glance out of the window on my way over to get my little prince.  The gray skies and the rain-soaked drive are unexpected, but relieving in a certain kind of way.  I ecstatically retrieve Cj from his room and head down the stairs to start my morning coffee. I can't wait for us to sit by the window together and listen to the robust hammering of the rain & watch for the flickering lightning as its thunder rumbles and roars around us. 

:: sigh ::

I am powerfully drawn to the summer rain.  I love a good thunderstorm. It's just relaxing and engaging; it feels so refreshing, so invigorating and at the same time, it can be so awe-inspiring and mysterious.  The soothing downpour contrasts with the heat and humidity that our area has been subject to recently and right now, the whole house feels cool and clean it its wet embrace.

The low soothing growl, often transforming into a crackling clap or thunderous boom, plays with my emotions. At any moment, I could close my eyes and whole-heartedly welcome the sub-bass of a delicate rolling thunder rumbling through the clouds.  The lower bass can get so deep and it adds such great depth; it's a natural, three dimensional audio experience.  It adds a comfortable charm that makes me want to cuddle on the couch with my coffee in hand, a good book {or macbook} on my lap and just disappear.

So yes, the whole thing fascinates me...and not just me, apparently.  Right now, as it pours outside, Cj and Tj are busy watching and playing by the windows so that they won't miss a beat. I like that I can most certainly relate.  We all seem drawn to it in the same exact inexplicable {though I tried my very best to explain above} way.

It is an auditory exhibit that reminds me of how small I am, yet still very much part of a powerful, amazing, and awesome creation.

Joy comes with the morning

The weather channel just got me all thrilled for the sweet summer sun-soaked days that have decided to invade our area over the next week.  Not only for the bronze color that I have impatiently waited all three quarters of a year for, but also for the sun's effects on my health. I know, the sun has a pretty bad rap sheet, and I'm not trying to disregard it's damaging effects on our skin; I'm just saying that at the same time it truly does a lot for my state of mind.

In all honesty, waking up to the sun flooding through my window just gets me amped for the day. The excitement just starts to tug at the corners of my mouth and I can't help but smile and move through the day with a little more bounce in my step.

I know I have been struggling over the last few weeks with the chaos vs. order battle.  Today I have a peace for what the week holds. It will be crazie, I am sure, but I am eager for this week and like to view that the sun as God's little reminder of the joys that I have so abundantly received {and I have received many}.

So this week, I'm taking each glimpse of the sun and offering it back as a salute towards his grace.

"Live what you Love"

I had seen this title at Barnes & Noble a while ago as I strolled past their self-help section. The title had jumped out at me. I couldn’t help but do the classic double-take as I tried to fly past so as to secure my favorite comfy couch. So, I had stopped and flipped through the pages. It was like a memoir (or a blog in hardback). The book seemed to be a bunch of blubs about the author's experiences each day; really sbout just living life: enjoying the beach, reading, laying around & doing nothing, exploring the earth & doing everything, hiking, sleeping, etc. A simple life engaged in what s/he loved.

I found it interesting and so as I found my way towards the couch with my Starbucks chai latte in hand, two slightly opposing thoughts immediately came to mind . One, “live what you love.” What a great title. If you love something, then why not pour your existence into it? I love the very notion and admittedly, I believe my daily morning ritual involves a curiousity as to how my day can embrace the breath I have been given.

However the second was, “Really? But then what? What does living what you love all add up to in the end?” Enjoy the material world, parade within the abstract, delight in the intangible beauty all around, pour out your being, feel spent, and then die. You get a nice quote on your tombstone. Perhaps you leave a legacy behind. But what is it all for? For yet another round of a pointless, fruitless living-what-you-love kind of life?

But were we not created to enjoy all these things? Are we not human?

I have been in the process of rediscovering a life that is spent, yet so not wasted.  Loving a life worth living and living a life worth loving. Craving beauty. Appreciating the intellectual. Life has a point and there will be an exclaimation point at the end. Because in this memoir, there will be a life where at the heart of existence lays a desire for intimacy with the One who gave Love it’s name.

…with a challenge to love. A brilliant, fully-engaged, challenge to live.

These faces of mine...

My little faces. They look up at me with such innocence, such sweetness, with so much curiosity: "why Mom-mm?"  Life is new and exciting to them, not exhausting or stressful. They live carefree lives with hearts full of hope, eyes so wide and clear and smiles that are so contagious, they honestly just melt everything within me. So much so, it hurts. These faces are so removed from the storms and the struggles and the harsh reality this world brings. Every inch of my being longs to protect them....from pain....from injustice.

From growing up.

Today, if they get scared they easily just run back into my arms. They are safe. I wish I could promise them safety for more than just the here and now. For the forever. But I can't. I can't because I don't know what the future brings. Heck, I don't even know what tomorrow will bring, let alone the next minute or two. One day they will see 'the truth from lies' . The world is not always a place of happily ever after. 

But I am learning that there are arms which they can run to at any time, and arms that will hold them and will protect them. It's a truth, a reality that I used to sing about growing up and a belief I used to hold onto with 'faith like a child.' But it's more than just a song. Its more than some idea that rings from the pulpit or even a spoken word. It's truth. Its real. It's a complicated thing, when you live in a world where things get harsh and lonely and discouraging and painful, to believe a God exists. However, among the ashes, there IS beauty. God does show up. He shows up with beauty in the most incredible ways, and at the most incredible times.  If He's making sure the fields are green and that the flowers are full of glory and that the birds are able to have food and are watched over, its crazy to think He isn't doing all the more for us. I'm wholeheartedly aware that this is easy to say. Sometimes its harder to live it out practically in life and live and know and breathe this to be true.... 

It requires faith.  But faith is not something you just switch 'ON'. {I know this}.  But faith draws me off the couch and politely requests that I step into black shadows and into those places with the darkest corners. Its hard to be be comfortable with faith. 

But who said we're supposed to be comfortable?

Soo....now, I'm trusting Him. It's a process, trust me, but it is with that Faith that He supernaturally gives...and it's pretty cool what happens when I do. I can enjoy these exploring creatures of mine with their inquiring faces and trusting hearts.  They are in my life for this season, and I have the privilege to be in this season with them and I will enjoy it. 

I am enjoying it.

Wordfilled Wednesdays

{not original graphic}

Making the most of...

There is never enough time, I realize. Whether a working mom or a stay at home mom, time seems to be more and more elusive.  There are just not enough hours in the day to do all the things one needs to. And when a few moments are found in the evening to spend "quality time" with the kids, we are all too exhausted from the day.  The boys have been at daycare in a structured environment all day and after coming home, they just want to relax in the evenings.  I too, come home after a long day, yet completely caught up with the facts that my boys still need to eat, shower and perhaps get some influences by who we are at home. How do I spend the last few hours of the day with them when everyone is stretched to their limits? How do I use my time to shepherd their hearts when time is short, their attention spans are even shorter, and I am exhausted?

I'm learning that as a mom, I have to be creative …and multitask …and look for opportunities in everyday life to teach my boys, discipline them, let them enjoy life now, love them (that means a ton of hugs and kiss), making the most of each minute, trusting that God will be faithful to reveal Himself to their hearts, even in chaos… even in the mundane.

Challenge Accepted!

So I have had an unbelievably stressful week. I was thoroughly unprepared for it, primarily because I began the week off with a positive attitude.  Yes, of course I was expecting my days to be crazy, but I was very much ready to tackle whatever obstacle life threw my way. And of course, it was almost as if the universe took that and said "challenge accepted!" So, last night, I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up (and I almost did). I mean, everything was magnified: my emotions were raging (it's gotta be hormones) and to say that I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement. I was just overcome with feelings of inadequacy (of being a parent), a lack of self value (what had my identity become?...what, with wiping little rear ends and picking up after the path of destruction left behind as my not-yet-two-year-old tore through the house). It was becoming increasingly harder to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Was this ever going to end? I mean, to me, it seems like everyone else comes out unscathed. If there are scars, I never see them. Maybe I just haven't been paying much attention or maybe everyone just walks around like a Stepford Wife, covering up the blemishes and not-so-pretty parts of their day to day. In either case, I'm trying to live with a little more transparency, hoping for the opportunity to showcase that yes, life is difficult - as this week, and oh-so-many others have absolutely proved true - BUT  (yes, there is actually a turn in this statement) - I may be able to do these things through the One who gives me strength. Hmm, is that true though? Is it really possible? ...or is this something I've grown accustomed to hearing and saying, words that motivate instead of the truth that supernaturally transforms? I guess we'll see. This week is almost over. I'll let you know soon enough.