For some reason, this week Colin was just sooo good. He was just willing to listen to whatever I had to tell him, he was obedient, he would take his nap {he hates nap time} and he would just behave. It was heaven-sent. And then I often found myself staring, I mean just staring at him, while he was into whatever it was he was in to: coloring or watching something on tv or putting his puzzles together...I would just watch, silently, intently. His eyes, his nose, his little mouth that rambles on with such nonsense and such joy. The thousands of expressions that his eyebrows can create. The way he will stop everything he is doing just to smile at me or say "thank you mamma!" The random hugs, the way he cradles my face in his hands, the times he tells me I'm pretty.
Then there's Travis. My sweet, sweet, innocent Travis. With his wide-eyed innocence and crocodile-like tears, midst his heart-melting, engaging, inviting smile that wraps you all up in warmth and sunshine. I am floored by him and who he will be. I love, love... LOVE him. When I pick him up and his body is still all tucked in each other, and he just lets me rock him, I am reminded about what it was like to cuddle with the littleness that is them. He lights up the minute he sees or hears my voice and he laughs, laughs with sincerity and with a fullness that many of my own peers do not even possess. His eyes are full of wonder. His tiny little hands somehow make their way to my face while he lets it linger and takes it all in. It's so fun to watch him as he experiences the world for the first time and I have forgotten ...so quickly forgotten...what that is like. TO be young again. TO see the world like they do. TO trust another the way they are only able to trust in order to survive. It saddens me to think they will one day be exposed to the world that I am exposed to, a world that is cynical and harsh and hurtful and unforgiving. I want to protect them, to show them that it is going to be ok. To tell those who come into contact with them, how special they are and how gracefully they should be treated.
But, that's not always how it works out. We each have lived our lives, and they will too. They will get to experience the beauty among the ashes, just like we did and are still. In a very real sense, I only get them for another 16-18 years before they fly and I need to make sure I get on my way and 'train them up in the way they should go' before they are expected to jump.
I'm hoping for some divine, otherworldly type wisdom because I'll need it.
In any case, I am overwhelmed by their existence. I am just left to wonder how we ever got to be so lucky? ...or rather, how was I ever able to receive such a magnificent display of redemption?
In any case, I am overwhelmed by their existence. I am just left to wonder how we ever got to be so lucky? ...or rather, how was I ever able to receive such a magnificent display of redemption?