I will toot my own
horn and say that my memory was impeccable, my creative could be pretty
dazzling and my organizing skills were rather impressive. I mean, I truly believe
that there was an entire department within my brain dedicated to arrange and
put my life in order…so much so that when dates or items were thrown at me, the
speed at which my mind was able to process and sort and file away {or bring up,
for that matter} was remarkable.
Then I had my second son and my brain hasn’t been the same
ever since. The ball has been dropped, on multiple occasions, and now I have to
have a meeting with my head-organizing-department-manager about why s/he hasn’t
been able to keep it all together.
:: sigh ::
I’m at a loss to figure it all out. I just can’t keep up.
Things are all over the place, and the way I used to depend on my mind, I can
do so no longer. It’s shameful. Not only because I cannot trust myself, but
when I give my “Yes” or “No” to someone, I cannot do so with the confidence I
once had. I may completely and absolutely forget, and that is just really new
to me. In the past, I may have neglected things here or there, but for the last
several months, it has not been that. It’s the loss of memory.
It’s hard to explain so that one could really empathize.
Trust me, I have tried. All I can say is that to once have been able to do
something well and now not at all, well, it’s almost near debilitating. For me,
anyway. and just saying that seems so
sad. I thought I would have been able to get it together, but just when I seem
to finally get a grasp, it slips away. Then I’m frustrated, and that leads to
ingratitude and that leads to guilt because I have so much to be grateful for. I
find it interesting that even though I know that I have all that I can ever
want or need, I still fuss and find it incredibly difficult to move past these
things that bother me, these funny little things that mess with my identity.
Jus always reminds me that my identity isn’t wrapped up in
these things. It’s nice to be reminded. But it doesn’t always stick. I still
struggle with it.
I need to get a handle on all the craziness, and coffee just
isn’t cutting it this time.
